5 characteristics of authentic friendship

5 characteristics of authentic friendship

If we are created for relationship, why do so many struggle to find authentic friendships?

Ones where we are understood, loved, and defended?  I am blessed with terrific and loving friends. They’ll have my back, 100% guaranteed. Yet, I remember times when I didn’t feel so fortunate.

When I was learning about how to be a good friend, and how to expect that same level from the people I chose to be involved with.

Sometimes, I was vulnerable to the brokenness of others, taken out in harsh ways. Before I understood that it wasn’t about me at all. Sadly, not before I learned to not take it personally.

In other instances, I hadn’t learned to not let my own baggage leak out into my relationships. Feelings that were not related to my friendships, occasionally came out in caustic ways, misdirected.

This isn’t just part of my story, it is one I see played out over and over again as the years go by. It isn’t restricted by gender, or finances, or any other external factor.

Authentic friendship is something we are designed for…but where can you find it?

Why is authenticity important in friendship?

We are all growing and changing and it would serve us well to remember this key truth. All of us, every single one, has a history. Moments where we hurt or were hurt.

Those past moments can cause us to build a wall around our hearts that can come across as insincere.

 

 

Vulnerability keeps our longings for community out there. On the table.  We put out a welcome mat to our hearts.

Choosing to keep that part hidden does no one any favors.

There is not a lot of growth potential in surface relationships. True friendship comes in when our vulnerability lets us really see each other.

What are the signs of authentic friendship?

1. Friends listen well without interrupting to tell their own opinions– We can’t listen with purpose when we are thinking of the next thing to say. Wondering how to make the story about “us”.  All we have to do is open our ears and concentrate on the heart behind the words
2. Friends hold each other accountable- We can listen actively and circle back to action steps once the heart is fully expressed. Real friends want the best for each other, remember to ask how things are “growing” instead of “going”
3. Friends challenge and encourage growth- True friends don’t bash our spouse, trash our family. They also know that we have areas to improve on (right?) and desire to help us in that quest. We can, and should, create an environment of personal challenge. Authentic friends see our potential and help us see it too
4. Friends offer different perspectives- We need trusted advisors to help us see what isn’t obvious.  To show us the point of view of another…this is crucial and SUCH a gift (my closest friends are invaluable for processing with me this way)
5. Friends are loyal and true– They won’t gossip behind our back and stand strong in believing the best of us when under attack. Period. Proverbs 16:28 -A troublemaker plants seeds of strife; gossip separates the best of friends

 

 

What is an example of authentic friendship?

You deserve this kind of friendship.  We all do! If these ideas seem a bit foreign today, give them some thought. Sift through the examples of past and current friendships and be very honest with yourself.

Does this friendship add value to my life? Do I add value to theirs? Or, is it time to move on…   (Proverbs offers a ton of wisdom about what kind of people we might choose/avoid as friends!)

Recently I shared a struggle with a friend. I complained, expressed my hurt and frustrations and then things got real.

I told her what I might have done wrong too. Where I could learn.

She understood my hurt, assured me she would feel the same way.

THEN, we set some goals to make progress. I asked her to hold me accountable to achieve a goal I wanted to set.

She has known me so long that she agreed the offending party was wrong, but she DIDN’T go on a bashing spree, and neither did I.

1 Thessalonians 5:11 -So encourage each other and build each other up, just as you are already doing.

 

Choose authentic friendship, even when it isn’t the easy path

Friendships should encourage us, but also? Challenge us to be our best.

Have our back, but also? Turn us around in the right direction again.

If you want to have real friendships, the kind that weathers the hard storms?    Offer a heart refuge for those that are hurting. Expect to be gently confronted when there is work to do. Be generous with forgiveness, love and assume the best of people.

There is wisdom in choosing friends well…the kind of people you can truly trust. Conversely, we are the wise ones for being that friend to someone else.

An authentic friendship simply can’t NOT be reciprocal. That is one of the benefits of loving well.  It goes both ways.

Romans 12:10, Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.

If you are in a season of “in the meantime“, be the friend you long for to someone else. Be open to the unexpected. And most of all, be willing to take a risk. You are worth it, you have so much to offer!

Your turn- what have you learned about the importance of being, and finding, good friends?

P.S. This year has been often touted as a SUPER rough time to develop friendships. Don’t give up…it may not look like you imagined, but it could still be just the comfort you each need ♥

Friendship resources you might enjoy:

• The One Year Daily Acts of Friendship: 365 Days to Finding, Keeping, and Loving Your Friends

• Friendship Bracelets for women

• Messy Beautiful Friendship: Finding and Nurturing Deep and Lasting Relationships
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