How to Build Community When You’re the New Kid in Town

A few minutes late to a conference session, I had a perfectly orchestrated God-encounter with a new friend sitting in a lobby. There was an instant connection as we shared dreams and smiles. You will love meeting her today too, as Rebecca from She’s Building Her House, shares ideas on building new community. I was so encouraged myself, as I am in the process, to keep reaching out. Welcome Rebecca as today’s guest writer in our two-week series on community!

The rush and excitement of moving into a new home can quickly fizzle out if that new home is located in a new town far away from where you came from.

Your new neighbors are strangers. The grocery store feels foreign. And you have to use GPS to get anywhere.

Soon, it can feel like the four walls of your home are your closest friends.

I know this because it has been just under a year since we relocated our family for the second time in the last eight years, and, friends, the struggle is real. Moving requires great effort.

Beyond packing and unpacking, more than decorating and organizing, the greatest effort in moving is the reestablishing of community for you and each member of your family.

Unfortunately, the simple fact is that relationships take time.

It takes time to build community

A new address, a new job and a new routine can all be found with relative ease. But friends, solid people who get you and who you trust, take time to find. Which leaves many months, or even years, where you live as the secluded new kid in town.

I have military friends who say it takes them at least nine months to feel settled into a new town.

A missionary friend shared that it often takes her family close to two years to make a new place “home.”

While I have found both of those timeframes to be true, I have also found that when I take the first awkward step forward in forming new friendships in a new community, I am usually warmly greeted by others who are just looking for a friend as well.

In case, you, too, are in a season where community is lacking, here are five tips to building community when you’re the new kid in town…

How do you build community with others?

Put down your phone. Everybody has a phone and everywhere we go, people are paying more attention to the people on that small screen instead of the people right next to them.

When you don’t know anybody in a new town, keeping your eyes focused downward on faraway friends’ newsfeeds isn’t going to help you meet anyone new. It’s simply going to remind you of all that you’re missing and the place where you used to be.

So, put down your phone. Look up and find someone to talk to as you wait somewhere. Baseball practice, the doctor’s office, the tire repair shop – people are all around. And most of them are hiding behind their phones because they are just as lonely as you.

Extend the invitation. Sure, it feels nice to be invited to the party or thought of for last minute weekend plans. But the truth is, people are busy. And when we get busy and life moves fast, we all tend to lean toward what we know and what is comfortable.

Which probably means the ladies in your church, the moms from preschool and the girls from work aren’t trying to exclude you when they make plans together.

More than likely, they simply didn’t think to include you. Because it’s out of their routine, too. Instead, you be the first to extend the invitation. Invite them to a playdate at the park. Ask someone out for coffee and conversation. Offer to meet up for a run.

Once people know what you enjoy and have had a chance to experience something fun with you, then it will feel far more comfortable for them to do the inviting as well.

Show up

Be the neighbor you’d like to have. Somewhere along the way, we were taught that neighborly gestures looked like delivering a plate of freshly baked cookies or borrowing an egg or some sugar.

Except, that doesn’t really happen much anymore because people don’t actually know their neighbors. People come home from work, close their garage doors behind them and stay safely tucked inside their houses until yard work or the mail calls them outside.

In my last neighborhood, one of my neighbors commented that in the few months I had lived there, I had met more of our neighbors than she had in seven years. And all we did differently was leave our garage door open and make a point to say hello to anyone we saw out and about.

But that experience taught me that if you want to have good neighbors, sometimes you have to go first in being a good neighbor. Spend time outside. Say hello whenever you see someone walking their dog or taking out the trash.

Be the one to deliver brownies to the new family on the block. And if an opportunity arises to lend a helping hand, do it. Because these little steps are what eventually lead to being friendly enough to actually ask your neighbor for an egg or a cup of sugar.

Show up, even when it’s weird. We’ve all been there. A gathering of people outside of the office or a church function full of people you don’t really know. These situations make us uncomfortable because what if we say something stupid? What if we don’t fit in?

It’s enough to make you prefer staying home one more night with Netflix. But sometimes, we need to be willing to risk the awkwardness and go, even though you don’t really know anybody and you have no idea what you’re doing.

Show up, even when it’s weird. Because, as Dr. Seuss said, “We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness.” And mutual weirdness definitely makes for a good friendship.

Have people over to your house. You may have boxes left unpacked and your home may be far from Pinterest-perfect, but there is always something inviting about a hospitable home. Sally Clarkson, co-author of The Life-Giving Home, says, “A home that says welcome opens hearts to real relationships.”

If you are longing for community, then offer the most familiar thing you have to others – your home. A cozy spot, an open yard or a relaxed, kid-friendly playroom goes a long way in building community between people.

Friends, sometimes building good community starts with us.

We have to be the ones who embrace the awkward and go first, but I promise you, the reward is worth the risk.

Rebecca is a writer, speaker and Bible teacher who loves connecting women with the heart of Jesus through God’s Word. Find her podcasts at www.shesbuildingherhouse.com and read more of with her writing at rebeccapiercecreative.com

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