Are you an overprotective parent?

What does it mean to shelter your children? To be a helicopter parent, trying to protect them from any potential life challenge?

Or, conversely, is it better to let them experience life without a guard so they learn how to deal?

I am a firm believer that parents should shelter their children.

The very definition of shelter simply means to provide protection and refuge from adverse conditions.

It is hard to imagine an argument that a parent should not afford their child those basic conditions.

What is protective parenting?

I’ve personally struggled with this as a mother.

Wanting to protect my girls from any pain in life, abuse or neglect. And deeper still, wouldn’t we all wish our kids didn’t have to learn from experience those things that grow us in the hardest places?

When they were smaller, I tried desperately to keep them safe and happy. That is a lot of pressure, and frankly, not always realistic. Or healthy.

That is what love does, though, it keeps trying. It is a fine line to walk between sheltering and being overprotective.

The thing is– there are no guarantees.

We can be the most protective parents on the planet, but we can’t keep them from all difficulty. Tears will come, pain will happen, and sometimes influences reach our kids that we try hard to fight against.

Being an overprotective parent isn’t the same as a helicopter mom. A parent SHOULD be protective, but they should NOT try to protect their child from consequences. Of hard choices.

Love them, protect them from danger…but let them understand challenges and develop coping skills. Helicopter parents invade, protective parents teach.

What is healthy protective parenting?

It is good and right to filter our children’s incoming messages and not just settle for what the world offers. As if it is our only choice.

I would fight to keep their minds and hearts as pure as my influence allowed.

I’d still watch their friends as they grew and invite them over as much as possible, trying to influence them as much as they influence my kids.

Every message that came from ads and media I’d combat with truth; that they are enough just as they are.

That they didn’t have to settle for sexy as the only option. That they could be beautiful strong women who were perfectly formed because God said it was so.

Open dialogue would still be encouraged. When they were small I taught them to obey first (for their safety) and then ask. It was always our intent to let them express their feelings, in tandem with obedience.

Overprotection can result in rebellion. So can protection. No kid wants to feel smothered by their parents, so try to teach them with respect. Not just authority.

I get that people find countless sources that shout about how damaging protective moms are. But, I ask honestly, what is the option?

Plenty of people who wish that an adult had cared that much about them. They had parents who let them do what they wanted. To their very painful detriment.

Signs of overprotective parents

You know what I wouldn’t do-over?

Take full responsibility when things went wrong. My eyes would be more open to the reality that it isn’t all our fault when the world seems to win.

And how painful this is as a parent, to see our children suffer. But…

Choice = consequence.

There is no greater warrior than a mother protecting her child- N.K. Jemisin

Sheltering can mean guarding, yes, but also teaching. As much as we want to protect them, we also need to get on board every opportunity to train them in the realities of life. (here are signs of overprotective parents)

We sure tried to do that too.

Protecting our kids while we guide them? That is a basis for raising them up well.

And by well, I mean the best we can. We can keep guiding them, but at some point, they become responsible for their own life choices, not us.

Over protecting our kids by trying to keep them from “our” fears of their actions (grades, stealing, lying etc.) ? That is a legacy we don’t want to give to them. Helicopter mom mentality is more stress for everyone.

Parents – and teachers too – are woefully short-sighted when they try to protect the child from his mistakes, when they make the “right answer” more important than the quest for knowledge and good judgment. For what is not learned within one’s self cannot be learned from another – Sydney J. Harris

My kids are almost grown

For now, I’ll keep tucking when they’ll let me. Wrapping my love around them in every way I can. But my intent will always be to help prepare them for the day when sheltering them isn’t our option.

And when I raise my wings to let them go? They’ll have a foundation. Hopefully, a solid one to hold them steady while they weather life’s storms.

And even when they are grown? When they need the shelter of a parent’s love?

My arms will always be open. May my love always be the refuge where they find protection until their sun shines again.

Sheltering bad for kids? Nope, not when it is done with your eye on the bigger picture.

Their future.