What does it mean to shelter your children? To be a helicopter parent, trying to protect them from any potential life challenge?
Or, conversely, is it better to let them experience life without a guard so they learn how to deal?
I am a firm believer that parents should shelter their children.
The very definition of shelter simply means to provide protection and refuge from adverse conditions.
It is hard to imagine an argument that a parent should not afford their child those basic conditions.
What is protective parenting?
I’ve personally struggled with this as a mother.
Wanting to protect my girls from any pain in life, abuse or neglect. And deeper still, wouldn’t we all wish our kids didn’t have to learn from experience those things that grow us in the hardest places?
When they were smaller, I tried desperately to keep them safe and happy. That is a lot of pressure, and frankly, not always realistic. Or healthy.
That is what love does, though, it keeps trying. It is a fine line to walk between sheltering and being overprotective.
The thing is– there are no guarantees.
We can be the most protective parents on the planet, but we can’t keep them from all difficulty. Tears will come, pain will happen, and sometimes influences reach our kids that we try hard to fight against.
Being an overprotective parent isn’t the same as a helicopter mom. A parent SHOULD be protective, but they should NOT try to protect their child from consequences. Of hard choices.
Love them, protect them from danger…but let them understand challenges and develop coping skills. Helicopter parents invade, protective parents teach.
What is healthy protective parenting?
It is good and right to filter our children’s incoming messages and not just settle for what the world offers. As if it is our only choice.
I would fight to keep their minds and hearts as pure as my influence allowed.
I’d still watch their friends as they grew and invite them over as much as possible, trying to influence them as much as they influence my kids.
Every message that came from ads and media I’d combat with truth; that they are enough just as they are.
That they didn’t have to settle for sexy as the only option. That they could be beautiful strong women who were perfectly formed because God said it was so.
Open dialogue would still be encouraged. When they were small I taught them to obey first (for their safety) and then ask. It was always our intent to let them express their feelings, in tandem with obedience.
Overprotection can result in rebellion. So can protection. No kid wants to feel smothered by their parents, so try to teach them with respect. Not just authority.
I get that people find countless sources that shout about how damaging protective moms are. But, I ask honestly, what is the option?
Plenty of people who wish that an adult had cared that much about them. They had parents who let them do what they wanted. To their very painful detriment.
Signs of overprotective parents
You know what I wouldn’t do-over?
Take full responsibility when things went wrong. My eyes would be more open to the reality that it isn’t all our fault when the world seems to win.
And how painful this is as a parent, to see our children suffer. But…
Choice = consequence.
There is no greater warrior than a mother protecting her child- N.K. Jemisin
Sheltering can mean guarding, yes, but also teaching. As much as we want to protect them, we also need to get on board every opportunity to train them in the realities of life. (here are signs of overprotective parents)
We sure tried to do that too.
Protecting our kids while we guide them? That is a basis for raising them up well.
And by well, I mean the best we can. We can keep guiding them, but at some point, they become responsible for their own life choices, not us.
Over protecting our kids by trying to keep them from “our” fears of their actions (grades, stealing, lying etc.) ? That is a legacy we don’t want to give to them. Helicopter mom mentality is more stress for everyone.
Parents – and teachers too – are woefully short-sighted when they try to protect the child from his mistakes, when they make the “right answer” more important than the quest for knowledge and good judgment. For what is not learned within one’s self cannot be learned from another – Sydney J. Harris
My kids are almost grown
For now, I’ll keep tucking when they’ll let me. Wrapping my love around them in every way I can. But my intent will always be to help prepare them for the day when sheltering them isn’t our option.
And when I raise my wings to let them go? They’ll have a foundation. Hopefully, a solid one to hold them steady while they weather life’s storms.
And even when they are grown? When they need the shelter of a parent’s love?
My arms will always be open. May my love always be the refuge where they find protection until their sun shines again.
Sheltering bad for kids? Nope, not when it is done with your eye on the bigger picture.
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It’s a fine line between protecting them and giving them refuge when they need it, and keeping them in a glass cage so to speak.
I think it’s okay to shelter them from things they are too young to fully comprehend – there is no reason why a two or a three year old should witness the bad things happening around us like violence and wars. However, some things they have experience on their own and the only thing we can do is to let them know we will be there in their corner with a towel and a water bottle.
Really liked this post Christa. It’s the age old question, don’t you think? Where is the line between loving them and smothering them. While I think as parents we should do everything we can to protect them from violence, abuse, and things under our control, as you brought out, some things are NOT under our control. We can pray God gives us wisdom when we need to step in, and patience when he’s working with a “Do not Disturb” sign in their lives.
Hi Anne, thanks for joining the conversation. Ahh, I also love how you gave a visual picture of the “do not disturb” sign. Sometimes I’ve noticed it AFTER I barged in. Learning to be more aware of that fine line…
I just can’t help myself from being this way too. I feel that my son needs me now more than he will as he grows up, so I’d rather be sheltering him than letting go. Lovely post!
I felt compelled to join in the discussion here as this is a topic of interest to me. As a 46-year-old non-parent, I probably have a slightly (if not completely) different view about outside influences on children and young adults than those who struggle with parental realities and the fear of all that parents rightfully should fear. While I realize that our 2014 environment is not as it was in 1977, I still wholeheartedly believe in the power of unadulterated experiences to help shape the personalities and interests of developing young minds, especially at the most influential ages. Because our identities are so pliable as children it is vital to expose kids to as many different experiences as possible. This not only helps develop tolerance and understanding for the vast differences in our culture(s) but can lead to unexpected interests that can change a child’s future (positively) forever. I am perpetually grateful to my parents for the freedom I was given as an adolescent to explore my world, make my own choices (and mistakes), form my own opinions, and take control of my own existence. Parenting is tricky business and while I can not possibly understand the angst that must come with every fostering decision I do not believe this nullifies my opinion.
This is a link to an Internet Movie Database post (by me, two years ago) that I think is relevant to this discussion.
Hi Ron,
Thanks for sharing your take on this! All opinions are welcome here, that is what makes interesting discussion. We probably do share different views about parts of this, but what I know we can agree on, is that experiences are key to developing who we are. Yes back in our “day” things were more lax. Some of the things that in retrospect, I wish I’d had less freedom to explore, definitely guide my parental choices. It was a wonderful thing, and what we choose to pass on, to allow a wide range of opportunities for our kids to see and explore. We try and open their eyes specifically to how to make a change in the world around them for the best. A few of those were out of “our” comfort zone as parents, but were life changers for them. Example, sending them to disaster zones to do relief work. I appreciate you not only reading, but including your point of view to the conversation!
Great read for me today…yes, I’m catching up on emails:) My little ones are still little, but I try to shelter them from outside influences that could be harmful as much as possible, while teaching them more through their own choices. I am sure that this will be a constant change as they get older, as I certainly want them to have lots of life experiences…and unfortunately part of understanding how great God is means understanding how broken the world is…but for now, I think it is our calling as parents to guard their hearts and minds.
I have to admit, I’m pretty sure I’m overprotective of my kids and enforce a rather sheltered life. I have the same instinct to protect them while I’m still able to. I love what you said here “And when I raise my wings to let them go? They’ll have a foundation.”. I totally agree!
We only get one chance Natalie, and when we think of “protector” “counselor” and “mother”…is has a very different feel than the negative connotation of “helicopter mom” or “smother-er”. 😉
It’s a fine line between protecting them and giving them refuge when they need it, and keeping them in a glass cage so to speak.
I think it’s okay to shelter them from things they are too young to fully comprehend – there is no reason why a two or a three year old should witness the bad things happening around us like violence and wars. However, some things they have experience on their own and the only thing we can do is to let them know we will be there in their corner with a towel and a water bottle.
Ana Lyn, that is a great mental picture of being the coach in the corner! Amen sister
Really liked this post Christa. It’s the age old question, don’t you think? Where is the line between loving them and smothering them. While I think as parents we should do everything we can to protect them from violence, abuse, and things under our control, as you brought out, some things are NOT under our control. We can pray God gives us wisdom when we need to step in, and patience when he’s working with a “Do not Disturb” sign in their lives.
Hi Anne, thanks for joining the conversation. Ahh, I also love how you gave a visual picture of the “do not disturb” sign. Sometimes I’ve noticed it AFTER I barged in. Learning to be more aware of that fine line…
I just can’t help myself from being this way too. I feel that my son needs me now more than he will as he grows up, so I’d rather be sheltering him than letting go. Lovely post!
I felt compelled to join in the discussion here as this is a topic of interest to me. As a 46-year-old non-parent, I probably have a slightly (if not completely) different view about outside influences on children and young adults than those who struggle with parental realities and the fear of all that parents rightfully should fear. While I realize that our 2014 environment is not as it was in 1977, I still wholeheartedly believe in the power of unadulterated experiences to help shape the personalities and interests of developing young minds, especially at the most influential ages. Because our identities are so pliable as children it is vital to expose kids to as many different experiences as possible. This not only helps develop tolerance and understanding for the vast differences in our culture(s) but can lead to unexpected interests that can change a child’s future (positively) forever. I am perpetually grateful to my parents for the freedom I was given as an adolescent to explore my world, make my own choices (and mistakes), form my own opinions, and take control of my own existence. Parenting is tricky business and while I can not possibly understand the angst that must come with every fostering decision I do not believe this nullifies my opinion.
This is a link to an Internet Movie Database post (by me, two years ago) that I think is relevant to this discussion.
http://www.imdb.com/list/ls008748227/
Thanks, Christa for letting me share my thoughts. Keep up the good werken.
Hi Ron,
Thanks for sharing your take on this! All opinions are welcome here, that is what makes interesting discussion. We probably do share different views about parts of this, but what I know we can agree on, is that experiences are key to developing who we are. Yes back in our “day” things were more lax. Some of the things that in retrospect, I wish I’d had less freedom to explore, definitely guide my parental choices. It was a wonderful thing, and what we choose to pass on, to allow a wide range of opportunities for our kids to see and explore. We try and open their eyes specifically to how to make a change in the world around them for the best. A few of those were out of “our” comfort zone as parents, but were life changers for them. Example, sending them to disaster zones to do relief work. I appreciate you not only reading, but including your point of view to the conversation!
Great read for me today…yes, I’m catching up on emails:) My little ones are still little, but I try to shelter them from outside influences that could be harmful as much as possible, while teaching them more through their own choices. I am sure that this will be a constant change as they get older, as I certainly want them to have lots of life experiences…and unfortunately part of understanding how great God is means understanding how broken the world is…but for now, I think it is our calling as parents to guard their hearts and minds.
I appreciate you coming back to scroll through Morgan! I couldn’t agree more, thanks for weighing in
I have to admit, I’m pretty sure I’m overprotective of my kids and enforce a rather sheltered life. I have the same instinct to protect them while I’m still able to. I love what you said here “And when I raise my wings to let them go? They’ll have a foundation.”. I totally agree!
We only get one chance Natalie, and when we think of “protector” “counselor” and “mother”…is has a very different feel than the negative connotation of “helicopter mom” or “smother-er”. 😉