Living in the present instead of longing for the past

I don’t belong here.

Driving past the home of my childhood, it hit me. Tears stung as I processed that with acute, stinging finality.

I don’t belong here…not anymore.

The music group Rascal Flatts sings:

“I never dreamed home would end up where I don’t belong…I’m moving on. 

I’m moving on, at last I can see, life has been patiently waiting for me…”

The lyrics played through my thoughts as I worked through this concept. You see, I didn’t want to let go.

Why letting go of the past is important

It has been many years since we moved away. It never bothered me too much because we were always just a state away. Driving distance. Choices.

Moving halfway across the country changed things. The choice to come home was taken away because it now comes at a great cost.

Other things changed, different family dynamics.

To be clear, it isn’t my old “home” that causes me to not belong to it.

It isn’t my family of origin. Indeed, I am wanted and deeply loved there.

It’s me that that doesn’t belong. Break the word down a bit and we find it can be pronounced BE-LONG.

I spent too little time grasping the concept of “be-ing” and too great of my spirit was spent “long-ing” for something was no longer. They say you can’t go home again, and it’s true.

Ideas on letting go of the past

• When we spend time longing for another place or person we lose the power of living fully in the present.  If I long to hold my sibling’s children, to see my Dad walk in from work, to hang out with my mom on weekends… those are good desires.

The dictionary offers one definition of longing as: strong, persistent desire or craving, especially for something unattainable or distant: filled with longing for home. 

That was me.

I love my life, but the longing for something I could not have brought me into some deep emotional valleys.  Those valleys forced my immediate family to travel a road they didn’t choose.

My husband especially always reminded me that MY home was with HIM.  And to be honest? I wish I’d understood this sooner.

• Anytime we spend our mental resources on things unattainable it often casts them in an unrealistic light. If we long for things, don’t we perceive them as wonderful? Perhaps even perfect? And then, who can live up to those dreams?

My faraway loved ones can’t. I surely can’t. There is no such thing as perfect. Wonderful moments? Absolutely. More wonderful than the daily joy of my regular life? They are different.

• I want to live my life fully. That means fully here, in the moment. I never want to take the joy of choice that I do have for granted. My world is rich and full and beautiful. And I am thankful. Longing for something else steals that away.

This trip forced me to accept a paradigm shift. I grew up that day.

 No longer Christa from SoCal, but Christa from where I’m at now. 

Living abundantly right here surrounded by Midwest cornfields. And more importantly by my husband and children. Friends that love me right in my own town.

 A foot in two worlds

It is a challenging thing to grasp the concept of being part of one world, but being tied to another.  I love my family so much, but the truth is they have moved on. They have their own lives and I do too.

And that childhood home?  It belongs to someone else now.

I can drive by but honestly, my memories are better than the state of the house now.  It is just a house, made of stucco and framework.

It will continue to age but my memories are still vivid.

Will I still miss my old home? Naturally, that is my place where memories are rooted.

And memories are a blessing. Beloved family is still where my roots lie. I will embrace the time I spend there.

But while my roots run deep, my branches reach toward the sky.

My sky. In my home.  I long to just BE.

Who God created me to be, right here and now. And I have become complete.

Isaiah 43:18-19 Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

Resources to live in the present

• Fierce Faith: A Woman’s Guide to Fighting Fear, Wrestling Worry, and Overcoming Anxiety
• The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here For?
• How to Be an Imperfectionist: The New Way to Self-Acceptance, Fearless Living, and Freedom from Perfectionism
• Codependent no more
• Disclosure: I only recommend products I do/would use myself. These affiliate links add NO additional cost to you, and may earn me a tiny commission to help support this blog. Read full privacy policy here.