There are 14 and a half MILLION hits for “how to love your spouse” on Google. To visualize how many people that is, imagine the entire population of London. Or Mexico City. Or Los Angeles.
Of course, those people are spread around the world. In every kind of community, there are people desperate to love their spouse. (Click here to see which post got me in trouble with Pinterest!)
A safe place to come and know they are not alone. Perhaps a place to be honest without judgment, after all, in some communities admitting that a marriage struggle is super taboo.
I wonder where you are today? If your relationship is flourishing or floundering?
The secret to having a happy marriage is to exposed the myths!
Marriage myth #1
Once we are married, things will change.
Um, about that. Things will change, but not always in the ways we think. If there are problems with pornography, infidelity, addiction, or other biggies?
Please, please don’t come into marriage thinking your love is enough to fix all those problems. They require help and tools and the desire from your spouse to change.
Love isn’t always enough. It is a beautiful and wonderful offering, and can really help your spouse in their journey. But too many people come into relationships, thinking that everything will be fine once they’re married.
Dave Meurer- A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.
Marriage myth #2
Once we are married, we’ll agree on all things.
Says no couple ever. Talk about things like kids before saying “I do“. It is amazing how people can be together, compatible, for years…then find out how incompatible their parenting ideas are.
How agreeable you are with finances, for example, until your incomes are combined and one of you thinks that ATM withdrawals don’t count in the budget. That you seem to adore each other’s parents until one set needs to move in.
Discussion before marriage will eliminate many painful interactions down the road.
Mignon McLaughlin A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
Marriage myth #3
Once we are married, he’ll/she’ll heal my brokenness.
Listen friends, this myth is a sneaky one. We don’t even KNOW we anticipate this until it doesn’t happen. Let me speak to all the women with “daddy/abandonment/_____” issues.
They hurt, they scar and they run deep. But, putting the pressure on your spouse to love them out of you? It is setting you up for disappointment. Love will help, it will heal so many things. But…
So this is a marriage tip especially for the wife- When our spouse didn’t inflict our past wounds, it is unfair to try and make them pay for them.
We don’t mean to, we really don’t. It is usually something we aren’t even aware of ourselves. That pain will try and infiltrate the loving relationship your spouse offers.
Ask and allow your spouse to help love you through them, but please don’t ask them to be responsible for them. It is a lose-lose scenario.
Marriage myth #4
Once we are married, we’ll have so much in common.
You and your lover might have about zilch in common. So, okay. Come into marriage prepared to enjoy your own hobbies, your own interests. Allow them to have theirs (without the guilt trip).
Society often implies that married couples should love to spend all their time together, if they are really happy together. Hmm, so one of you loves knitting and the other has a fear of needles…including knitting.
Really, the strongest marriages might just be the ones where we don’t put all the pressure on our spouse to be with us all the time.
Marriages can be really strong if you both like different things. It is good and exciting to find commonalities, things you can enjoy together. But if you don’t?
Ignore the critics and do what works for your relationship.
Marriage myth #5
Once we are married, intimacy will be awesome.
Yep, sometimes it will. The reason this one makes the list?
Every woman I’ve known struggles with the realities of intimacy not being what they thought.
All the time. Intimacy in the good times? Best. thing. ever.
And it isn’t all about sex, though many struggle with that, a lot. Women don’t know that men might have a lower sex drive and feel like failures.
Men might be clueless about how to be a good lover. Together, you’ll find that life circumstances occasionally suck you dry, and just holding hands are an effort.
The secret to a long happy marriage
Marriage is complex, but it can be a precious, incomparable gift.
The secret is to let go of expectations and look for the beauty in the reality. It won’t be perfect. But if CAN be imperfectly beautiful.
Simone Signoret –Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years.
For us, faith has been a HUGE instrument of change in our marriage. If you need help, consider Scripture. Even if it is for the first time ever!
These are some of the verses that have been both challenging and encouraging in my life.
Proverbs 31:10-12 Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.
Colossians 3:19 And you husbands must be loving and kind to your wives and not bitter against them nor harsh
Ephesians 5:28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.
P.S. While I am clearly a big advocate for working out your marriage (I’ve seen amazing turnaround on the impossible-seeming situation!) that doesn’t mean this advice applies to ALL marriages. If you are married to someone who abuses you, whether physically, psychologically, or emotionally? Get help, and if you need to, please get out for your safety ♥
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I tried fixing breakfast for my husband when we first got married. He doesn’t like to eat early in the morning. There are always adjustments to the way things were done in your family of origin (as I’ve heard it called). We do eat breakfast for lunch or supper sometimes now.
Hi Eva, that is a valid and important point to bring up! We sometimes get stuck visualizing how we “think” they’d like to be helped, because that is how we were raised. Smart comment to consider, thank you~
I tried fixing breakfast for my husband when we first got married. He doesn’t like to eat early in the morning. There are always adjustments to the way things were done in your family of origin (as I’ve heard it called). We do eat breakfast for lunch or supper sometimes now.
Hi Eva, that is a valid and important point to bring up! We sometimes get stuck visualizing how we “think” they’d like to be helped, because that is how we were raised. Smart comment to consider, thank you~