Empty nest heartache and healing

I didn’t know what joy was until I became a mother. Happiness? Of course, wild and deep and wide. But joy was a completely different experience.

After a difficult pregnancy and a challenging birth, we welcomed our baby 23 years ago.

Dark downy hair, and long perfect fingers. A tiny mouth of pink lips that formed an “O”, as in perpetual wonder as she looked around. She was amazing.

Due to health issues, we weren’t able to bring her home right away. I’ll never forget the agonizing feeling of driving away from the hospital, weeping. It felt so wrong to not bring her with us, as though we’d always been together.

Maternal love is fierce and devoted. There is nothing that compares with a mama’s love.

We had gone from a couple, a very happy party of two, to a family. Everything changed, nothing escaped the transformation of this new parental passion.

Suddenly every moment became a vivid snapshot. A miniature story worth remembering…

When our second daughter came home, at first we wondered how we could love another person as much as our first! But when she made her entrance into the world? We were captivated.

Pink cheeks and an instant curiosity and bright eyes. Completely different from her sister in every way, we were fascinated and undeniably, instantly in love with our new beautiful child.

Three to four, and our family was complete. The new dynamics became the normal, and we became “The Sterken Family” as it would remain for 18 years.

And let me be completely transparent here, I loved being a mother. A wife. A family.

Motherhood was everything I never knew I wanted

Wildly different from any childhood dreams, it was imperfectly and exactly just what I needed.

Though life wasn’t easy, and nothing ever seemed to go quite as we expected, it was a wonderful life. A mother’s joy was with me every night as I tucked my family into bed for the night.

Dark hours would be spent sitting in the quiet, knowing my beloved people were sleeping and safe for another night. Midnight was my gratitude hour to step back from whatever the challenges of the day held (and there were often many!) and be purposely aware of the gift of family God bestowed on me.

Family gave me a purpose that I’d never imagined, and no matter how hard things were, I relished my role.

As it became time for my sweet girls to leave home and develop their own lives, I was unprepared for the grief. It was staggering, complete. Instead of comfort and hope, I was given platitudes and shame.

Well of course they are moving on, isn’t that what is normal?

What, do you want them to live at home forever? (um, no)

Isn’t that how you raised them, to follow God’s leading?

Don’t be so overemotional, it’ll be okay.

It’s just because you “homeschooled” that you are “so attached”

If you are in this season of change, be encouraged. You are not alone, you are not “psychotic” and too attached, and you are not going to hurt forever.

But right now? You might be suffering greatly. Because it really is painful.

How to prepare for an empty nest

• Develop your own interests, aside from your family dynamics
• Create community that isn’t based on your children
• Invest in a new hobby

With the encouragement of my husband, I did all those things, and they were invaluable. I had strong faith, I had fulfilling work and a community of people I treasured.

Yet, the grief was inconsolable.

Yours might be too. Please, don’t beat yourself up. Change can be exceedingly painful, and I offer you an understanding spirit. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for feeling sad.

This is a big unknown, a major change!

Of course we want good things and fresh adventures for our kids in their adult lives. Yes, we want them to move out and on into their own homes.  It isn’t that…

Stages of empty nest syndrome

Grief can be normal when your kids leave home, there is no shame in that. Few resources tell us about the “normal”  stage of grieving that might accompany these empty nest life changes.

Fresh seasons don’t equate to easy transitions.

When my own children left, I became a shell of my former self for a spell, in SPITE of my years of attempts to prepare. You might too, and there is no shame in that.

Perhaps we put too much value into our worth in relation to being a mother. However, maybe that is just part of the package.

When you give yourself, every ounce of your being to keeping little humans safe and healthy and raising them up in the way they should go? Dang girl, that is a big deal!

I spent countless hours before God begging him to restore my spirit, bring back my joy, and help me to move on. And it will happen my friends, but “we” don’t define the timeline or the process.

Empty nest heartache

Letting go takes on a whole new meaning. Those kids that left? The ones we were responsible for?

Yes, we must trust we did our best and they will thrive. But sometimes, in the night, we worry. About the hard realities that come with their new adventures. About their safety and people who might hurt them and being unable to help them pick up the pieces.

Letting go is no light matter. No casual “see ya later alligator”, as they walk out the door. It is a relentless choice to face the new season with all the grace you can muster. 

For yourself and your tender hurting heart, and for the choices they might make that break your heart.

The good news, is that while an empty nest can feel, well, empty for a season? God WILL restore your life and create something beautiful with your newly free time. Those suddenly quiet walls will once again house laughter and life.

Letting go ALSO means room for the unknown, the amazement and surprise of YOUR new adventures! That formerly occupied free time is available to partake in exciting new challenges.

There is so much joy (and healing!) to come when we reframe our emotions and align them with God’s promises for our future!

(Need help with that? Pamela Henkelman is a life coach just for midlife moms! JaneAtHome also has a great article here)

If there was one book I WISH I had known about in the early days of a fresh empty nest? It is  Doing Life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out 

I loved it so much, it would be great required reading for parents launching kids. Or even parents who are stuck in patterns of unhealthy pressure on their kids to fill their “holes”.

Do you ever get over an empty nest?

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 gives us some solid advice.

We can be joyful, even in a painful time, because God asks us to. That is where the comfort lies, in those emotional trust falls.

That unquenchable love we have for our children? Remember where it came from. 

He understands in a way that others won’t. That undeniable, unconditional love of a parent came from God after all. Remember how the story ends though, victory.

It will come, keep pressing on sweet mamas. Hope is the foundation of a new season, with sweetness unimaginable yet. Just like parenting once was.

There is still so much joy to be had! Walking with you sisters…

P.S. If you need encouragement about your value as a homemaker AFTER the kids have grown check this out

Check out these books for  more encouragement:

• Empty Nest, Full Life: Discovering God’s Best for Your Next
• Release My Grip: Hope for a Parent’s Heart as Kids Leave the Nest and Learn to Fly

• Doing Life with Your Adult Children: Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out 

• Praying the Scriptures for Your Adult Children: Trusting God with the Ones You Love
• My Nest Isn’t Empty, It Just Has More Closet Space: The Amazing Adventures of an Ordinary Woman
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