How To Increase Love In The Marriage You Already Have

How To Increase Love In The Marriage You Already Have

I long for passion. You don’t.  I seek excitement. You are content to just be.  I see things in vivid color. You are neutral.  I see things for what they can be. You see things for what they are. I am dramatic. You are controlled. 

I want to change the world. You are at peace in your corner of it. I get anxious about things. You bring me back to reality. I complain you don’t get enthusiastic. You laugh at me for getting that way about every little thing. I live for the details. You enjoy the whole. 

I love life now. You dream big about the future. I can never shut my mind off to sleep. You can doze off mid sentence (mine!) I talk a lot. You talk a little.  

Sometimes neither of us hears each other. When that happens nothing feels right in my world.  The things I sometimes wish I could change about you, are the very things that keep me sane. 

While I sometimes long for you to be more like me, I am grateful that you are not.  I could not live at the pace my mind runs at for long without you to anchor me and reel me back in. You keep me steady and that is a good place to be.

Finding joy in a marriage can be painstaking work. We start off with nearly uncontainable excitement in our new life as a couple.  The honeymoon years.

But how do we feel about our bond after the vows are tested? When sickness and health, richer and poorer become harsh reality. When loyalty is tested and attentions are divided.

Disillusionment sets in.  Certainly God designed our marriage to be more than this!

Take comfort, there is hope. In challenging times, the in-between seasons, we can choose to take stock of the good things we have together with our mates!

It was during a time of deep reflection when I penned the words above, a  step towards practicing the discipline of purposefully loving my husband.  Not the imaginary man I expected him to be, but the true and awesome gift that he really was.

It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t fast (trust me, we did it ALL wrong)…but it was worth every second!

Create A Love Story

This piece isn’t about changing him, but instead, working to soften the hearts in the only one we have power over. Ourselves. And don’t be shocked if you find that the feelings start to flourish BOTH ways.

Proverbs 18:22 teaches “He who finds a wife finds what is good, and receives favor from the Lord.”  If finding a wife is promised as a good thing, then how can we promote that in our relationships?

We want our husband to feel as if he found favor-not a dripping faucet, ahem, also mentioned in Proverbs. Time for practical application…

• Regardless of the feelings you may have toward your spouse remind, yourself that feelings are not always trustworthy. Make every attempt to see your husband as God does. Yes, this can be super hard, but it can also be life-altering. That is to say, our judgment can be clouded by being a right fighter. Ask God to show you a bigger picture
• Focus on just one thing a day you can appreciate about his personality. If you can’t find even one at this point, ask God to open your eyes to a new perspective.  Retrain your thoughts to replace the negative mental replays, with a fresh narrative

• Locate a photo of you as a couple that brings happy memories- That is what prompted my words above. (I decided to create a scrapbook page about the reasons I enjoyed being a part of this union.) Use it as a reminder of the love you felt that day. Don’t accept any common teachings telling you to cut your losses if that loving feeling has faded. Time changes things, it is true. Determine to see this as a good thing
• Accept what is. Right now. Today. Don’t allow yourself to dwell on what you imagined things would be. This is a crucial step to appreciating the relationship you are already in (this does NOT apply to those in the hands of an abuser… please seek immediate outside help!). If possible, find a Godly mentor who has weathered the storms of marriage and come out stronger to encourage you on the journey

How we increase love in our marriage

So how do we increase love in the marriage we already have? It takes effort to appreciate the unique aspects of our personalities, finding the distinct ways that we complemented each other.

I keep searching for reasons to continually appreciate the man I married. He, who selflessly loves me, deserves to find favor in the wife he chose.

We choose to create a love story in the relationship we already have instead of looking elsewhere for nonexistent greener grass.

Consequently, with the passing years, the love has settled into something better than I could have imagined. The depth is surprising and delightful. The more we grow in our relationship with God, the more we are able to find not only contentment in marriage but amazing JOY.

Settle into steady and find joy in the everyday of married life.

P.S. While I am clearly a big advocate for working out your marriage (I’ve seen amazing turnaround on the impossible-seeming situation!)  that doesn’t mean this advice applies to ALL marriages.  If you are married to someone who abuses you, whether physically, psychologically, or emotionally? Get help, and if you need to, please  get out for your safety ♥

Great resources on marriage:

• What’s It Like to Be Married to Me?: And Other Dangerous Questions 
• The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective

• Custom Song Lyrics Poster 

• Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs
• Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage 
• To Love, Honor, and Vacuum: When You Feel More Like a Maid Than a Wife and Mother 
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